Re-Visiting and Re-Vamping

So when I was on Facebook (for the millioneth time-sadly I don't think I'm exaggerating) I noticed and remembered that I actually have a blog. Considering I only had to study for an exam, finish 2 papers and prepare for a presentation I thought I would procrastinate even more by looking at my unkept blog. After looking at the lack of comments, I decided to revamp it by asking the readers the questions instead of talking to myself and asking myself questions. I can do that in my own spare, private time haha.

During Thanksgiving my aunt and my cousins and I played 20 questions. We would all think of crazy and complex and fun questions to ask each other. So my first question to you is:

1. If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life what would it be?

My answer: Peanut Butter!!!!!!

Tell me yours....

Those Days ...

We all have days where one small, random, insignificant event in your day can expose your fragile ground and show you how stressed you really are and force you to come out of your denial. I'm admitting it right now: the college stress has hit me. Unfortunately this stress will always hit me this time of year. The pre-midterm stress.

I just hate it when one small part of your day sets you off into pathetic spontaneous tears. That small part of your day not only makes you look like a emotional, easily broken lunatic, but makes you realize what you haven't let go (or that your diet isn't as great as it should be or that you lack an effective destresser). Journaling seems to work for me, but as I'm writing this now, I feel even more stressed knowing I only have 2 pages of a 4 page essay.

To my few (but hopefully growing) fourteen followers, what do you do to destress?
What are your small snaps to your seemingly strong infrastructure?

Today, mine was a missed meeting. That missed meeting sparked my stress and frustration of my lack of artistic craft (in relation to my technical theatre class) the uncertainty surrounding certain projects in my technical theatre class, the emotional draining material I'm studying in my World theatre class (Middle Passage and slavery, trauma in theatre etc.) and a tennis tournament this weekend. Days like this I curse my extreme sensitivity. I hate how easily I break into tears and how easy it is for stress to plague me. Letting go is extremely difficult for me. I don't know why I love to tightly grasp over things. The questions I pose to myself can only be answered by me. Obviously, they won't be answered today (considering I'm on an emotional seasaw) but I'm working on it.

A Perfectionist's Questions.

If any of you out there are perfectionists, I'm sure you can relate to spending an insane amount of time setting goals/expectations for yourself and others, as well as thinking that your actions can affect the emotions of others. Does it ever seem that the more you try to gain control over your life and the people in it, the more control you lose?

Well, I certainly feel the grasp on my life that I worked tirelessly to create is slipping right out of my hands.

As the grasp escapes me, questions rush into my mind.

Are goals and expectations worth having when expectations set you up for ironic and sometimes tragic situations? When I create goals and expectations, I expect them to be achieved. I'm realizing that the waters of life are filled with big waves ready to knock you down. It is easy to say: "when the waves of life knock you off the surfboard, just hop right back on." When those waves really do knock you down, it seems much easier to just give up. The hardest part of life is having the courage to paddle out of rocky waves and to keep paddling during your darkest hours.

As a perfectionist, I'm also a control freak. I've lived my whole life thinking that I have the power to control the emotions of my friends and family. I dedicate a significant portion of time to tailoring my decisions, actions and words to suit and to please my loved ones. Lately, my efforts have gone unnoticed and have actually been used against me. I was convinced that if everyone else around me were happy, then I would be happy, but I can't rely on other people to make me happy. I can't control how someone else feels. I do not have control over another individual's emotions. The only emotions I have control of are mine.

I think I will find more happiness in releasing my control over my life and the people in it. I'm officially surrendering in my life-long battle of control.

The only question that remains is, how do I achieve emotional release without the use of drugs and alcohol?

Love and it's many forms.

I think we can all agree that human relationships are pretty darn complicated. Whether its your relationship with a family member, friend or romantic partner, it doesn't always flow smoothly. As American writer, Elbert Hubbard once said, "A friend is someone who knows loves you just the same." No one is perfect. Everyone has their flaws-naturally when people form relationships it won't be perfect.

Despite relationship's head spinning complexity, human connection is truly beautiful. Recently, I have come to realize that the heated fights and laughing nights my closest friends and I have had are all forms of love. As much as we would like to think that love and hatred are extreme opposites, they are practically the same thing. Love turns into hatred as easily as water turns to ice. The same goes for hatred. In an instant hatred turn to love as ice melts into water.

I'm convinced that the key to happiness and successful relationships is acceptance and compassion. Accepting people and the world for what it is and treating it with kindness. To my friends, family and the rest of the world. You are all beautiful people with amazing qualities that I greatly appreciate.

Does familiarity give us the right to cruelty?

As blissful as my summer has been, there have been some rude awakenings. Lately, I have spending a lot of time with my family and extended family; besides the love between us all, I unfortunately also noticed the deceitful and degrading behavior that spreads like wildfire.


In today's society, familiarity seems to grant us permission to put down, and lie to one another. I'm doing that with my closest friends and my own family. I realize it needs to stop. Around my friends I'm often bluntly sarcastic, and, my family members can be overly critical of my action and I hide and lie way too often to my own family. It's not just me and my family that acts this way. It's a shame that comfort in this society translate to poor behavior. As hippie-ish as this sounds, I truly think constant compassion for oneself and for one another is the key to beauty and happiness. We should treat ourselves, our family, our friends and every person we encounter with compassion.

Bon Dance

This was my Saturday night. Bon Dance, under the paper lanterns and stars. Bon dance is a traditional Japanese dance and an important part of the present day culture in Hawaii. In Hawaii the Bon season runs during the summer and is free of charge. It is a great way to experience the modern day Hawaiian and ancient Japanese culture. The dance steps reveal a lot about Japanese culture. I personally had a beautiful experience last night re-connecting with my culture and heritage. You do not have to know the movements-simply follow the person in front of you. Come with an open mind and heart. Bonzai!

Are adults and children really any different from one another?

My mom tells me I'm acting like an adult now, but the more I think about it I have to disagree with her. Just because I enjoy shopping with her in the Women's (opposed to the junior section) section in Macy's or reading Shape magazine (opposed to Seventeen magazine) doesn't mean I'm any more mature than I was when I was 12. I'd like to think that a part of being an adult is having more courage and self-acceptance, but I'm beginning to realize that adults are just really big kids.

The monster in the closet just takes a new form. The difference between children and adults is that adults try to barricade the closet with their ego, while children actually admit their fear of this mind-created monster. Children are actually the braver ones; they instinctually admit the fear and use love to overcome it. A simple cuddle is all it takes to remove the monster of fear residing in theirs heads. Adults cower away from any affection and choose to run away from whatever monster they have created in their mind.

I'm beginning to really notice how often fear starts creeping into my and my family's life. I thought I stopped frequently stressing out about unimportant things, but really I'm just revisiting my insecure, worry wart 12 year self. I still worry about getting the highest grades and having the best looks and smallest waistline and an amazing boyfriend. My worries now are exactly the same. I can't wait to deal with taxes...

Childhood is really the best time of human beings life. Children confront, accept and overcome their fears to enjoy life. I miss being able to play without the need for victory to spoil a light game of tennis, I miss being able to live in the moment. I miss the ignorance, indifference and innocence. Being adult should not include abandoning your inner child. That person will guide you through your most darkest time. There is nothing wrong with using the night-light now and then.

Should Summer Boredom Exist?

Do you remember when there wasn't a reason to bury our heads in our I-Phones, I-Pads,Laptops and T.Vs? Believe it or not, the items listed above didn't exist at one point in time.For hundreds of years, people have found ways to entertain themselves without modern technology. Why is it that this generation of people--supposedly more intelligent and innovative are so dependent on a gadget for amusement? Think back to the 1990's, the very first Mac Desktops were equipped with nothing but slow, dial up internet, and a word processing program. My dad rarely used the computer and my mother didn't even own a computer. I barely looked at the computer. It is definitely possible to find non-technological entertainment; it has been done before. Why is it so hard for us to tear our faces away from brightly lit screens and face the naturally glowing sun? Slow, summer days, have no reason to exist. Yes, I realize this entry is a contradiction to my assertions, but it is the best tool for conveying my opinions and realizations.
I spent my first ten years of life like many other children at the time outside at the park or with toys. The days always flew past me; To my surprise the glorious mornings would always, somehow, fade away into an evening sunset. To me breakfast and dinner were separated by minutes. As much as I love emerging into an adult, I miss the innocent, imaginative, care-free world of my childhood. I miss being easily amused and entertained.
Today has been a typical teenage summer boredom day. We've all experienced this. Parents are at work, leaving you without a car, and somehow all of your closest friends are busy. Just my luck...When I was young child, this would have been the best day ever! I would have been playing with Samantha, Kit Molly, and even Barbie! All day, eating whatever I wanted to! But now, I mope around the house, melting my brains with my I-Pod, Laptop and T.V. This mind-numbing rotation of technical devices made me think about my childhood days and I went straigtht to the closet to resurrect my American Girl and Barbie Dolls. It was like leaping into a time machine-I was immediately transported back into my playroom with my toy friends. I suddenly remembered all the imaginative, spontaneous plot lines and stories I would invent for the dolls and the different voices I'd supply them with.
Why does growing up imply the sacrifice of childhood imagination, curiousity and openness? Why does society urge us to abandon all of those great qualities? I strive to have a balance of imaginative child qualties and responsible, mature adult qualities. Life is a balancing act. Everyday this statement is becoming increasingly true.

Books Bring People Together

In my last day of my English class, our professor concluded the course by saying "books bring people together." The power of words can bring about change, affect the way we think about ourselves and others as well entertaining and educating us. Next time you think about going on facebook or watching t.v considering picking up a book and allow yourself to think deeply about what the author is trying to convey and see how you feel about their message.

Head Candy

Today on my way back to school I hopped into a taxi to find a nice, inspiring man driving me safely back to campus. The first few minutes of the ride was a typically awkward taxi ride, but he after one long light he apologized for the long wait and pointed out how poorly the roads are in Tacoma. This lead to me discussing my academic plans, of double majoring English and theatre. His first reaction, was like many, what are you going to do with that? teach? And I confidently replied, yes. What amazed me was when he revealed how jealous he was of me and his dreams of studying classic literature and philosophy and consuming 'head candy,' pleasing and enjoyable treats for the mind. For financial reasons he didn't continue onto college and really wished he had. He wished he was in my position, to explore any academic territory without any fears of what others will think or succumb to financial pressures. He made me realize how fortunate I am. Not everyone can study what they want to, or even have the freedoms to choose what they want to do with their lives without societal or financial pressures. I feel fortunate that I won't spend my life wishing I was able to invest my time in something that interests me, unlike my taxi driver. I admire his courage to even admit his longtime desire to a total stranger. English is 'head candy' for him, consumed sparingly, but for me, its a 'head meal,' its what fuels and drives me and what ultimately keeps me going in life.

Immortality of Words

Last weekend I saw The Pillowman written by Martin McDonagh on my campus. Before seeing the seeing produced by fellow theatre students, I have read the play and am familiar with its dark plot. I was originally expected to be reminded of the horrific scenes in the play, but instead, I had surprisingly inspired. Behind the gruesome tradegy of the play, is a beautiful theme of immortality of words and the universal fight of writers to ensure that their words live on when they don't. As a newly declared English and theatre major, this really really struck cord of inspiration. It made me think of how meaningful my words are, whether spoken or written and the power of art. Art and language are what separates humans from animals. For the next three years and beyond, I will spread this truth with my studies.

Also, on a unrelated note, last night I had an illuminating thought that everyone around me is a buddha like figure. I have been learning many insightful things from a lot of different people. College truly is the place of immense knowledge and personal growth. It hit me last night how incredibly lucky I am to be be at such a fitting university.

Being in the Zone of Life

Firstly, I had an memorable spring break in Orlando, Florida with my tennis team. During this trip I had a insightful talk with my coach. A simple technique question led to great inspiration. He told me that the right brain controls motion and physical action in the body. When I play I tend to over analyze and stress out. The reason I lose some of my matches is because I let my left brain have more control of me than my right brain. In tennis, and life, its important to equally use the right and left brain. In tennis, when hitting a shot, the right brain needs to emerge to give you fluidity and unconscious control. When the right brain is functioning and when you allow it to function, you are able to enter "the zone." The popular term "in the zone" applies on and off court.
The ego lives in the left side of brain. If we use too much of the left side (as I do) unnecessary stress develops. Being 'in the zone' is when you strike a perfect balance between right and left. Your ride side gives you the freedom to make mistakes and not punish yourself for; it allows you to fully express yourself without any hesitation. While the left side allows you assess your judgment and actions as a final detail. So let yourself live! Your left side will jump in if you go a little too crazy.

What Valentines Day Should be About.

Normally I am indifferent and contempt about Valentines Day. To me it was just a marketing devise to sell flowers, chocolates, cheaply made stuffed animals and cheesy love cards, but this year Valentines is more than just bitter and cynical feelings.

In my English class this morning my professor opened the class with her change of perspective on the holiday. She and her five year old daughter made Valentines Day cards for her kindergarten class and her daughter asked her 'why do people hate Valentines Day?" A seemingly awkward let to great insight. Before my professor could even respond to her daughter's question, the girl asked, "Isn't Valentines Day suppose to be the day when you give out hearts?." My professor's moment with her daughter put be in a moment of deep gratitude and joy. Just because I am not in a romantic holiday doesn't mean I can't celebrate the holiday. I am merely celebrating a different type of love. Both my parents sent me Valentines Day care packages, my friends and I exchanged chocolates; Valentines Day is the day to remind yourself just how much you love others and how much they love you. We often take love for granted. In high school, having a relationship seemed to be signify some ridiculous requirement, now that I'm college, relationships are options and choices. For the people in relationships I wish you the best happiness and for those singles out there, soak in the abundance of love that you have and that others have for you.
Happy Valentines Day everyone <3

Who Am I?

Who Am I? A question we first ask ourselves during our adolescent years. As we grow older that question always seems to become more complicated, especially through college as one's interests and outlooks rapidly change.

In one of my classes Representing Multiculuralism, I read an essay entitled, "Who Am I?" that addressed ways of identifying oneself. Hazel Rose Markus argues that race and ethnicity are just one of the few matters that impact the way we see ourselves and the world around us. She also conducted surveys and asked people my age to define themselves. People from Asian countries used defined themselves through academics and family pride, while American teens identified themselves through personal characteristics. Our identities are a grand mixture of personal qualities, cultural upbringings, geographical upbringings, academics, race and ethnicity. We are composed of much more than just a name. This made me realize how much beauty is in the human race. Humans make one too many millions of mistakes, but errors can be avoided if we understand and respect people's backgrounds and upbringings. Every human being on this planet is different. Instead of dismissing those differences, people should learn to embrace them. The world isn't just in black and white, the world is actually quite colorful.

Fresh!

I find a tremendous amount of beauty in the transition between winter to spring. This year was the first year I experienced seasonal changes. Winter was the hardest part of my semester. The low temperatures, the snow, everything was too new and unusual; but I survived and actually enjoyed making snow angels and sledding. After returning home to my tropical abode, I feel awaken and fresh.

Tomorrow marks the first day of my spring semester. Just like the season, my outlook on the next few months is bright and fresh. I love the changes nature experiences, it can turn from dark, cold and dreary to cheery, bright and beautiful in just a few months. It showed me that I can always snap out of a negative attitude. No matter how gloomy things are, a brighter tomorrow is just around the corner.

Speaking of Spring time whats everyone's favorite flower? My favorite are Roses. Elegant, but rough.

Hawaii, my home

This is where I spent my afternoon. I feel fortunate to live in such a beautiful place, but the downside of living in paradise is leaving it. Besides the stunning views and nearly perfect weather, the best part of living in Hawaii is the kindness and support people shower you with. Aloha: Hello, Goodbye and I love you. I will be in and out of Hawaii and will always love it no matter where I am.

Paradise.

Today I was talking a long walk and all I had to do was look around me. I am blessed with a legendary mountain, gorgeous white sand beaches above and below me. All around me is 75 degree weather, sunshine, and luscious landscape. Can a home get better than this?

I couldn't believe I ever disliked living in such a beautiful place. Returning home from college is the best feeling in the world.

My Surroundings

The Child in You!

Often times we lose ourselves in our insecurities and societal pressures. Teenage years are the worst of this struggle. I have a young friend who is in this stage now. At times it really irritates to me to see her wrapped up in looks and boys and other people's opinions, but I realize that she is not even aware of how insecure she really is. All teenage girls act the way my friend acts. This year especially I have been trying to let go of what people think and looks and just live.

This weekend I had one the best weekends. I spent the weekend with a friend. She has one of the nicest homes I've seen. The house is just a couple of feet from the ocean and is beautifully built and designed. During the day we would swim in the unoccupied, private beach and in the afternoon spot the humpback whales on the horizon. I live in paradise.

Later today we went to the local arcade and fulfilled our childhood dream of winning a stuffed animal via arcade tickets. Both of us have never won anything from an arcade and so we decided to fulfill that dream...its never too late. After an hour and half, thirty dollars, determination and intense energy, we earned over 2000 tickets to win two t-rex stuffed animals, bracelets, and a crown. I felt like a kid again. I realized that's the key to confidence. Always maintain and hold onto the kid in you. The indifferent, playful, energetic, and imaginative child you once were.

Connections

Last night I stumbled upon an worn out and faded book and I wondered if it was my dad's. When I looked inside the cover it was indeed, addressed to my dad, from his grandmother. My great-grandmother published a book of poems call "Journey Into Awareness" in 1976. As I opened the cover and ventured into her work, I realized that Rose G. Arkin and I are very similar. Although I am not nearly as revolutionary as she was, our writing style and perspectives are identical. Mrs. Arkin was honored by the Anti-Defamation League for "outstanding service to the community" and her book challenged readers to open their minds to the world around them. The book is organized into three parts: Confrontation, Realization and Awareness. In order to reach deep epiphanies she explored many philosophies, religions and experienced an life-changing awakening herself. As I sheltered girl living in New York City, she never was exposed to the life of poor. One day she saw a man begging on the street. This one man changed her perspective forever. From that day on, she dedicated herself to charity work and self-exploration.

Although I have not had an awakening moment in my life, I have been engaging in self-exploration through writing. I compared my writing to her writing and the subject matter is nearly identical. The only difference is that she choose to deliver her truths in poetry, while I choose to deliver mine in a memoir fashion. Back in the 1970's her writing was revolutionary. Not many people chose to write down their personal enlightenment. I feel proud knowing this woman is my great-grandmother. I wish I could resurrect her, but knowing I can't, this blog post is dedicated to her, in fact, all my writing is dedicated to her. I believe she gave me the open-mindedness to engage in self-exploration and the talent of writing to express my personal enlightenment. Although she is no longer physically present, she lives in me. She lives in the words I record and my spirit for personal progress and daily learning. Rose G. Arkin, rest in peace <3 You inspire to accomplish great things and to find the beauty in myself and in my world. You give me the courage to uncover who I really am and reassure me that I can overcome any challenge presented to me. You were and still are one incredible woman. I feel fortunate to share the same genetics with you.

A sample of her work

The Search
So quick to disbelieve
So eager to retrieve
That faith without which all seems
naught,
Yet we must suffer through
And lead our thoughts anew,
To find the way which we have sought.

O groping soul, be brave,
For e'en the wish to save
Yourself is half the fight to win.
And if we seek that peace,
Which brings us true release,
Remember, it must start within.

Parents.

The phase of a child: 3 yrs old: "Mommy, I love you". 10 yrs old: "Mom whatever!" 16 yrs old:"My mom is so annoying"! 18 yrs old: "I wanna leave this house". 25 yrs old:"Mom, you were right". 30 yrs old: "I wanna go back to my Mom's house". 50 yrs old: "I dont wanna lose my Mom". 70 yrs old: "I would ...give up EVERYTHING for my Mom to be here with

Saw this on facebook this morning. Normally these 'likes' are just a reflection of pop culture and are completely trivial. For once, I actually 'liked' on these. It reminded me that I should really appreciate my parents more. You would think child/parent relationships would just be full of love, but its actually love/hate. Humans are a wonderfully odd specie. The more we love something the closer we are to destroying it. Humans are creature of contradiction and extremes without even realizing it. Our dualistic nature (need for distinction and separation) is what drives us into torment. Our duality is what sends us on these never-ending roller coaster that shoots us into a euphoric high and drives us down into a dirt low slump. Ironically we feel that distinction will provide us with organization, when it really just brings us more chaos.

My English teacher is a mirror for me. Whenever I talk to him he always shows me what I have been avoiding. He uncovered the parental issue I've been pushing aside for years. Most of conversations skewed off into how much parents were annoying me. We finally had to discuss the issue because it kept intruding into our conversations. I finally realized why my parents annoy me. My annoyance roots from the friction between us, and any other parent and child: The fight between child's yearning to leave the nest and the parent's desire of keeping the child safe in the nest for as long as they can. As a parent himself, my teacher reminded me that it is difficult for parents to release their child in the world, on their own, without fear invading. While most people parent's seem more comfortable letting go of their kid, my parents are having a difficult time. Even when I'm home, the restrict me. My parents have a immense amount of love for me. The more love someone has, the more they want to protect them. I also think that the relationship includes the tricky issue between freedom and security. Parents want to make sure their child receives all the protection they can get, but often times forget that the child needs freedom to experience the world for him or herself. Letting go is the universal solution for all human problems.

My two favorite words: acceptance and gratitude are back again. I have accepted my problem, and now I am grateful for it. If I wasn't annoyed with my parents I would become too comfortable at home and would not want to return to school for another semester. I would have no drive to create a life of my own. This annoyance I'm experiencing is just a part of life. It gives me a sense of peace in a way to know that I am just going though a right of passage and a phase of life and it will be so different in a few years. By the time I'm in my forties, I will be feeling sad that to see my folks growing old and I will be devastated when they pass away, no matter how many hardships I lived through with them, I have come to accept them and love them with all of my heart and being. With my desire for independence and my parent's constant love I will have the energy and support to make my life something beautiful and unique.

let it go, let it be

"whisper words of wisdom, let it be" The Beatles were much more than a boy band pop sensation. They were legendary musical wizards. Their songs are not only easy and enjoyable to listen to, but they also hold a lot of truth. I listen to this song whenever I have a lot on my mind, and especially during relationship problems, romantic and non-romantic. Actually, we all need to let our lives be what they are. We often complicate our own lives by trying to control or shape them to fit our desires.

Today, I had a very awakening and eye-opening afternoon that sent me into deep thought during the evening. I met up with my high school English teacher, who I greatly admire and respect for lunch and a lovely chat in the nature park. He bluntly told me that I and many other people try to fix and change people to they we see fit. I have a friend who invests too much of her time in drugs and alcohol and is suffering addiction. I feel that it my responsibility to help her ween off of the various harmful substances she is consuming, and be there for her during her low points by doing small favors to make her life a little easier. But my teacher warned me that addicts cannot be trusted, no matter how kind of a person they are. If addicts need the money for drugs they will do whatever it takes, even if it means hurting people they know. My teacher told me I am something called the co-dependent. A figure that addicts use as tools to receive sympathy and pity and favors from. The only reason I help her so often is because I feel that if I don't help her overcome her addiction I would feel like I am a indifferent witness of a murder. I feel terribly about her situation and want to do everything in power to save her. The alarming truth I learned this afternoon is that the only person that can save her is herself. The more I try to preach a substance-free life the more drugs she will take. It is necessary for me to stop doing multiple favors for her because she needs to know how to take care for herself and realize that people won't always be there for her all the time. It is very important for her to realize that she either needs to change or she'll die. Change or die. Is what my teacher said her only options are. I almost teared up when he told me this dark truth. Knowing there is nothing that I can do to get her to change her ways immediately is what is bothering me the most. I hate seeing people in pain and misery, and I know that drugs are never the answer. I really want to make her see what I see, and live the way I do, but I know I can't. With all my close friends, there are some days where I could take a magic wand and be able to fix their problems, or make them into better people, by improving their lifestyles. But I can't. Today I learned I need to let people be and let go of my control to change and make everything better. By trying to make things better, I will end up making them worse. Sometimes the best thing I can do for people is absolutely nothing. The hardest things to do are the most necessary. Surrendering control of other people's lives is hard for me to do because my compassion for others is as deep as the bottom of the ocean, but the best service I will do for any of my loved ones is to let them fall sometimes, for they will learn how to not fall again and pick themselves up. By doing nothing, I am doing everything. Just like when babies learn how to walk, parents can't hold their hand every step of the way. The baby needs to learn how to fall and to learn how to pick themselves up again.

From this moment on, I strive to be more aware of my protective grasp over my loved ones. Awareness is the first step to enlightenment. As I finish this entry I am inhaling and gathering my control and slowly releasing it with my exhale. Let it go. Let it be.

The beginning of a play?

So I posted a scene and a monologue I wrote for my theatre class and I kinda like where it is going. A part of my new years resolution is to write as much as I can, whether is daily journaling or even writing an entire play. So I decided to continue the build on the character I introduced a few posts ago. So here it goes... (F.Y.I the writing below is all from the top of my head...just pure spontaneous writing...)
to follow this scene, refer to the posts: Creative Works in Progress and Creative Works in Progress Continued. Suggestions are welcome!

The Dugout Act 1 Scene 1

Coach: You're going to stay in this dugout forever unless you don't protect your head. I'm not sending you out there unless your keep a better eye on the ball and you put your darn helmet on! You're lucky you just got a little bump on your head last inning, you could of came back to the dugout as a looney. So from now on you watch that head of yours, ya hear?!

Boy: Yes coach. How soon until I can play?

Coach: Not till the next game.

Boy:Aww, man, please!!

Coach: No I think we will just keep ya here...

Boy: For how much longer?

Crowd cheers as Boy's teammate hits a homerun and wins the game.
coach runs out of dugout to congratulate the kids. Boy sits in dugout, puzzled. Boy collects his gear and heads out of dugout to meet his parents. Parents notice the boy's disappointment.

Mother: Sorry, honey, about not getting to play. (hugs him, pause) Are you crazy or something?! Where was your helmet?! Do you know how much that stupid piece of plastic cost me?! (pause) There will be other baseball games, how about you phone up some of the other boys, maybe you all can play this weekend...just for fun.

Father: Yeah phone up the others, because you won't be playing for while...

Boy: What?! What do you mean?!

Father: You didn't tell him?

Mother: No, I thought you told him.

Father: Well, I obviously didn't. (notices the concern on his son's face) Great. He's going to cry.

Boy: Daddy, what are you talking about?

Mother: We're moving in a week son.

Boy: What?! No!! Thats when the last game of the season is!

Father: Too bad, we're leaving whether you like it or not.

Boy: You guys lied to me. There won't be another game! I hate you!

Father: Woah, watch your words buddy. We're just trying to help you. I mean you don't have the best hand-eye coordination out there, we are just trying to protect you. You've been hit so many times in the head and we wouldn't want you to become a looney.

Boy: I'm not a looney! (screams) Now I'm never going to be a professional baseball player, like Babe Ruth! I hate you both! (storms offstage)

Father: Whatever, we hate you too, you idiot!

Mother: Hey don't talk to him like that!

Father: What? He's not the brightest star in the galaxy and he should know. You wouldn't want the boy to live his life thinkin' he's the next best professional athlete when he's really just the next village idiot.

Mother: But do you really have to say in to his face?

Father: Yes, or else I'd be lying to the poor fellow.

Mother: Ugh, this family...is just so...

Father: Fucked up?

Mother: Excuse you!

Father: Well Its the truth.

Mother: You're fucked up!

Father: Right back at cha sweetheart! (opens a bottle of beer)

Mother: I can't stand you! I can't stand the boy! I can't stand this house, this town! ahHHH!

Father: Well, thats life for you...

Mother: Life is a piece of shit. (smokes a cigarette outside)

Father: Sometimes I wish I could be knocked on the head like that dumb boy.

Mother: (after finishing one cigarette, realizes there aren't anymore) Dammit!! Where are the cigs?! Have you been taking my cigs!?

Father: No, you dumb whore.

Mother: Shut the fuck up, you piece of shit.

(father storms off)

Boy: Mom, whats for dinner? I'm hungry.

Mother: I don't know! I don't care! Go make yourself your own damn dinner you piece of shit!

Boy (tears up and scurries off to side)

Mother: I hate this house! I hate him! I hate them! Fuck dinners! throws plates at the walls, fuck laundry! Fuck!!!!

Blackout on Mother. Spotlight on boy.

Boy: I hate my life. Maybe the dugout isn't such a bad place afterall. I mean its cozy and its the closest thing I'll ever get to the field.

Blackout.

2010: My metamorphosis. 2011: My time to fly

Well, we made it past another year. Hooray! :D This new years in particular, I am reminded of the most prominent theme of my academic career: seeing life as both a creative and destructive entity. As this year is ending, a new one is beginning. I used to be bothered by life's dynamic rhythm, but my high school English teacher, the most influential and inspiring person in my life, taught me how to enjoy, rather than fight, the waves life throws at me.

Unlike most Americans, I was not at a racy new years party. I don't believe that you need to spend new years eve drinking till you pass out. New years eve should be a time of deep reflection and reminiscing. You can't exactly look back at the year if you are deeply intoxicated. Tonight, I stayed home with my dad; we played ping pong and watched our favorite movies. It reminded me of all the many other times I've stayed with him. As soon as he went off to bed, I thought about the year 2010. I thought about the people I've met, the places I've been, the challenges I've overcome,the success I've achieved and what I've learned from all the good and bad experiences I've had in three-hundred and sixty five days.

Luckily, I have kept a pretty extensive journal over the years. One glance at my journal and I was sent back to myself a year ago. I re-lived all of the emotions I felt as a senior in high school. I felt the stress, the fear, the confusion, and the anxiousness, and the happiness. I felt my impatience to get out of my small town, but also the fear of leaving it. I felt the stress of school work and college applications, but also the joy of acceptances and the happiness of friends and family. This is why I love journaling; it allows me to instantly return to past feelings and emotions. It is the closest thing humanity has to time traveling. If you want to time travel, well at least to the past, grab a pen/pencil and paper and start writing!

As I was looking back at my journal and I realized just how much I have progressed. When I glanced in the journal I re-visited a anxiety and stress prone seventeen year old. My journal entries were scribbled with my school fears: failing AP tests, not finishing papers in time, relationships, college rejections, tennis competitions etc. I always seemed to have something to rant about.Looking back at those entries, I feel silly for worrying about trivial things. I really had no reason to worry about those things. In the end I always achieved success: I scored 3 and 4's on my AP exams, I earned high grades on my papers, I dealt with relationships the best that I could, I was accepted to all of my colleges and am very satisfied with the one I am attending, and I did just fine at my tennis tournaments. I was a bit of a worry wart.

Now, I am journaling as more aware and relaxed eighteen year old college freshman. I realized I have no reason to constantly stress about school work. There are bigger problems in the world. There are bigger things I can be worried about. I proved to myself that school work and activities should not be something I have to worry about.

April 24, 2010 was the start of a more aware me. On that day, my car and another collided head on and I was plummeted into major revelation. On that day I was inches to death. After that moment, I realized that my school stress was pointless. It is silly for me to stress about a paper, when life itself is so fragile. After talking to my English teacher and engaging in deep contemplation, I vowed to fully live my life, and stop wasting my life away, rotting in pointless fear of failure. Perfection is impossible. It took a car crash for me to realize that simple truth. Life is never-ending roller coaster. There are going to be many high and low points. The key is to enjoy the ride, no matter how bumpy. With each bump, you have the opportunity to learn something new.

After reflecting on 2010, I have decided that during the year of 2011 and years to come, my main goal is to simply live. I plan on living each frame of life to the fullest. I want to be open to change and embrace new and different experiences. During future experiences, I plan on listening to my body, mind and soul, by deeply feeling every emotion and sensation in my heart and in my body. Once I have felt the variety of feelings my body produces, I will record it in my journal or on this blog. I will treat my body with respect by living a stress-free and healthy lifestyle, full exercise and meditation. Ultimately, my goal for 2011 is to enjoy my time at college and learn as much as can. I will open my perception to a wide range of possibilities and ideas in order to see the rainbow that life is.

Happy New Years Everyone! Hope you all have a wonderful year! 2011! My year of awareness and love. Peace, Happiness and Love to you all!