Re-Visiting and Re-Vamping

So when I was on Facebook (for the millioneth time-sadly I don't think I'm exaggerating) I noticed and remembered that I actually have a blog. Considering I only had to study for an exam, finish 2 papers and prepare for a presentation I thought I would procrastinate even more by looking at my unkept blog. After looking at the lack of comments, I decided to revamp it by asking the readers the questions instead of talking to myself and asking myself questions. I can do that in my own spare, private time haha.

During Thanksgiving my aunt and my cousins and I played 20 questions. We would all think of crazy and complex and fun questions to ask each other. So my first question to you is:

1. If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life what would it be?

My answer: Peanut Butter!!!!!!

Tell me yours....

Those Days ...

We all have days where one small, random, insignificant event in your day can expose your fragile ground and show you how stressed you really are and force you to come out of your denial. I'm admitting it right now: the college stress has hit me. Unfortunately this stress will always hit me this time of year. The pre-midterm stress.

I just hate it when one small part of your day sets you off into pathetic spontaneous tears. That small part of your day not only makes you look like a emotional, easily broken lunatic, but makes you realize what you haven't let go (or that your diet isn't as great as it should be or that you lack an effective destresser). Journaling seems to work for me, but as I'm writing this now, I feel even more stressed knowing I only have 2 pages of a 4 page essay.

To my few (but hopefully growing) fourteen followers, what do you do to destress?
What are your small snaps to your seemingly strong infrastructure?

Today, mine was a missed meeting. That missed meeting sparked my stress and frustration of my lack of artistic craft (in relation to my technical theatre class) the uncertainty surrounding certain projects in my technical theatre class, the emotional draining material I'm studying in my World theatre class (Middle Passage and slavery, trauma in theatre etc.) and a tennis tournament this weekend. Days like this I curse my extreme sensitivity. I hate how easily I break into tears and how easy it is for stress to plague me. Letting go is extremely difficult for me. I don't know why I love to tightly grasp over things. The questions I pose to myself can only be answered by me. Obviously, they won't be answered today (considering I'm on an emotional seasaw) but I'm working on it.

A Perfectionist's Questions.

If any of you out there are perfectionists, I'm sure you can relate to spending an insane amount of time setting goals/expectations for yourself and others, as well as thinking that your actions can affect the emotions of others. Does it ever seem that the more you try to gain control over your life and the people in it, the more control you lose?

Well, I certainly feel the grasp on my life that I worked tirelessly to create is slipping right out of my hands.

As the grasp escapes me, questions rush into my mind.

Are goals and expectations worth having when expectations set you up for ironic and sometimes tragic situations? When I create goals and expectations, I expect them to be achieved. I'm realizing that the waters of life are filled with big waves ready to knock you down. It is easy to say: "when the waves of life knock you off the surfboard, just hop right back on." When those waves really do knock you down, it seems much easier to just give up. The hardest part of life is having the courage to paddle out of rocky waves and to keep paddling during your darkest hours.

As a perfectionist, I'm also a control freak. I've lived my whole life thinking that I have the power to control the emotions of my friends and family. I dedicate a significant portion of time to tailoring my decisions, actions and words to suit and to please my loved ones. Lately, my efforts have gone unnoticed and have actually been used against me. I was convinced that if everyone else around me were happy, then I would be happy, but I can't rely on other people to make me happy. I can't control how someone else feels. I do not have control over another individual's emotions. The only emotions I have control of are mine.

I think I will find more happiness in releasing my control over my life and the people in it. I'm officially surrendering in my life-long battle of control.

The only question that remains is, how do I achieve emotional release without the use of drugs and alcohol?

Love and it's many forms.

I think we can all agree that human relationships are pretty darn complicated. Whether its your relationship with a family member, friend or romantic partner, it doesn't always flow smoothly. As American writer, Elbert Hubbard once said, "A friend is someone who knows loves you just the same." No one is perfect. Everyone has their flaws-naturally when people form relationships it won't be perfect.

Despite relationship's head spinning complexity, human connection is truly beautiful. Recently, I have come to realize that the heated fights and laughing nights my closest friends and I have had are all forms of love. As much as we would like to think that love and hatred are extreme opposites, they are practically the same thing. Love turns into hatred as easily as water turns to ice. The same goes for hatred. In an instant hatred turn to love as ice melts into water.

I'm convinced that the key to happiness and successful relationships is acceptance and compassion. Accepting people and the world for what it is and treating it with kindness. To my friends, family and the rest of the world. You are all beautiful people with amazing qualities that I greatly appreciate.

Does familiarity give us the right to cruelty?

As blissful as my summer has been, there have been some rude awakenings. Lately, I have spending a lot of time with my family and extended family; besides the love between us all, I unfortunately also noticed the deceitful and degrading behavior that spreads like wildfire.


In today's society, familiarity seems to grant us permission to put down, and lie to one another. I'm doing that with my closest friends and my own family. I realize it needs to stop. Around my friends I'm often bluntly sarcastic, and, my family members can be overly critical of my action and I hide and lie way too often to my own family. It's not just me and my family that acts this way. It's a shame that comfort in this society translate to poor behavior. As hippie-ish as this sounds, I truly think constant compassion for oneself and for one another is the key to beauty and happiness. We should treat ourselves, our family, our friends and every person we encounter with compassion.

Bon Dance

This was my Saturday night. Bon Dance, under the paper lanterns and stars. Bon dance is a traditional Japanese dance and an important part of the present day culture in Hawaii. In Hawaii the Bon season runs during the summer and is free of charge. It is a great way to experience the modern day Hawaiian and ancient Japanese culture. The dance steps reveal a lot about Japanese culture. I personally had a beautiful experience last night re-connecting with my culture and heritage. You do not have to know the movements-simply follow the person in front of you. Come with an open mind and heart. Bonzai!

Are adults and children really any different from one another?

My mom tells me I'm acting like an adult now, but the more I think about it I have to disagree with her. Just because I enjoy shopping with her in the Women's (opposed to the junior section) section in Macy's or reading Shape magazine (opposed to Seventeen magazine) doesn't mean I'm any more mature than I was when I was 12. I'd like to think that a part of being an adult is having more courage and self-acceptance, but I'm beginning to realize that adults are just really big kids.

The monster in the closet just takes a new form. The difference between children and adults is that adults try to barricade the closet with their ego, while children actually admit their fear of this mind-created monster. Children are actually the braver ones; they instinctually admit the fear and use love to overcome it. A simple cuddle is all it takes to remove the monster of fear residing in theirs heads. Adults cower away from any affection and choose to run away from whatever monster they have created in their mind.

I'm beginning to really notice how often fear starts creeping into my and my family's life. I thought I stopped frequently stressing out about unimportant things, but really I'm just revisiting my insecure, worry wart 12 year self. I still worry about getting the highest grades and having the best looks and smallest waistline and an amazing boyfriend. My worries now are exactly the same. I can't wait to deal with taxes...

Childhood is really the best time of human beings life. Children confront, accept and overcome their fears to enjoy life. I miss being able to play without the need for victory to spoil a light game of tennis, I miss being able to live in the moment. I miss the ignorance, indifference and innocence. Being adult should not include abandoning your inner child. That person will guide you through your most darkest time. There is nothing wrong with using the night-light now and then.