If any of you out there are perfectionists, I'm sure you can relate to spending an insane amount of time setting goals/expectations for yourself and others, as well as thinking that your actions can affect the emotions of others. Does it ever seem that the more you try to gain control over your life and the people in it, the more control you lose?
Well, I certainly feel the grasp on my life that I worked tirelessly to create is slipping right out of my hands.
As the grasp escapes me, questions rush into my mind.
Are goals and expectations worth having when expectations set you up for ironic and sometimes tragic situations? When I create goals and expectations, I expect them to be achieved. I'm realizing that the waters of life are filled with big waves ready to knock you down. It is easy to say: "when the waves of life knock you off the surfboard, just hop right back on." When those waves really do knock you down, it seems much easier to just give up. The hardest part of life is having the courage to paddle out of rocky waves and to keep paddling during your darkest hours.
As a perfectionist, I'm also a control freak. I've lived my whole life thinking that I have the power to control the emotions of my friends and family. I dedicate a significant portion of time to tailoring my decisions, actions and words to suit and to please my loved ones. Lately, my efforts have gone unnoticed and have actually been used against me. I was convinced that if everyone else around me were happy, then I would be happy, but I can't rely on other people to make me happy. I can't control how someone else feels. I do not have control over another individual's emotions. The only emotions I have control of are mine.
I think I will find more happiness in releasing my control over my life and the people in it. I'm officially surrendering in my life-long battle of control.
The only question that remains is, how do I achieve emotional release without the use of drugs and alcohol?
