Today I was talking a long walk and all I had to do was look around me. I am blessed with a legendary mountain, gorgeous white sand beaches above and below me. All around me is 75 degree weather, sunshine, and luscious landscape. Can a home get better than this?
I couldn't believe I ever disliked living in such a beautiful place. Returning home from college is the best feeling in the world.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The Child in You!
Often times we lose ourselves in our insecurities and societal pressures. Teenage years are the worst of this struggle. I have a young friend who is in this stage now. At times it really irritates to me to see her wrapped up in looks and boys and other people's opinions, but I realize that she is not even aware of how insecure she really is. All teenage girls act the way my friend acts. This year especially I have been trying to let go of what people think and looks and just live.
This weekend I had one the best weekends. I spent the weekend with a friend. She has one of the nicest homes I've seen. The house is just a couple of feet from the ocean and is beautifully built and designed. During the day we would swim in the unoccupied, private beach and in the afternoon spot the humpback whales on the horizon. I live in paradise.
Later today we went to the local arcade and fulfilled our childhood dream of winning a stuffed animal via arcade tickets. Both of us have never won anything from an arcade and so we decided to fulfill that dream...its never too late. After an hour and half, thirty dollars, determination and intense energy, we earned over 2000 tickets to win two t-rex stuffed animals, bracelets, and a crown. I felt like a kid again. I realized that's the key to confidence. Always maintain and hold onto the kid in you. The indifferent, playful, energetic, and imaginative child you once were.
This weekend I had one the best weekends. I spent the weekend with a friend. She has one of the nicest homes I've seen. The house is just a couple of feet from the ocean and is beautifully built and designed. During the day we would swim in the unoccupied, private beach and in the afternoon spot the humpback whales on the horizon. I live in paradise.
Later today we went to the local arcade and fulfilled our childhood dream of winning a stuffed animal via arcade tickets. Both of us have never won anything from an arcade and so we decided to fulfill that dream...its never too late. After an hour and half, thirty dollars, determination and intense energy, we earned over 2000 tickets to win two t-rex stuffed animals, bracelets, and a crown. I felt like a kid again. I realized that's the key to confidence. Always maintain and hold onto the kid in you. The indifferent, playful, energetic, and imaginative child you once were.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Connections
Last night I stumbled upon an worn out and faded book and I wondered if it was my dad's. When I looked inside the cover it was indeed, addressed to my dad, from his grandmother. My great-grandmother published a book of poems call "Journey Into Awareness" in 1976. As I opened the cover and ventured into her work, I realized that Rose G. Arkin and I are very similar. Although I am not nearly as revolutionary as she was, our writing style and perspectives are identical. Mrs. Arkin was honored by the Anti-Defamation League for "outstanding service to the community" and her book challenged readers to open their minds to the world around them. The book is organized into three parts: Confrontation, Realization and Awareness. In order to reach deep epiphanies she explored many philosophies, religions and experienced an life-changing awakening herself. As I sheltered girl living in New York City, she never was exposed to the life of poor. One day she saw a man begging on the street. This one man changed her perspective forever. From that day on, she dedicated herself to charity work and self-exploration.
Although I have not had an awakening moment in my life, I have been engaging in self-exploration through writing. I compared my writing to her writing and the subject matter is nearly identical. The only difference is that she choose to deliver her truths in poetry, while I choose to deliver mine in a memoir fashion. Back in the 1970's her writing was revolutionary. Not many people chose to write down their personal enlightenment. I feel proud knowing this woman is my great-grandmother. I wish I could resurrect her, but knowing I can't, this blog post is dedicated to her, in fact, all my writing is dedicated to her. I believe she gave me the open-mindedness to engage in self-exploration and the talent of writing to express my personal enlightenment. Although she is no longer physically present, she lives in me. She lives in the words I record and my spirit for personal progress and daily learning. Rose G. Arkin, rest in peace <3 You inspire to accomplish great things and to find the beauty in myself and in my world. You give me the courage to uncover who I really am and reassure me that I can overcome any challenge presented to me. You were and still are one incredible woman. I feel fortunate to share the same genetics with you.
A sample of her work
The Search
So quick to disbelieve
So eager to retrieve
That faith without which all seems
naught,
Yet we must suffer through
And lead our thoughts anew,
To find the way which we have sought.
O groping soul, be brave,
For e'en the wish to save
Yourself is half the fight to win.
And if we seek that peace,
Which brings us true release,
Remember, it must start within.
Although I have not had an awakening moment in my life, I have been engaging in self-exploration through writing. I compared my writing to her writing and the subject matter is nearly identical. The only difference is that she choose to deliver her truths in poetry, while I choose to deliver mine in a memoir fashion. Back in the 1970's her writing was revolutionary. Not many people chose to write down their personal enlightenment. I feel proud knowing this woman is my great-grandmother. I wish I could resurrect her, but knowing I can't, this blog post is dedicated to her, in fact, all my writing is dedicated to her. I believe she gave me the open-mindedness to engage in self-exploration and the talent of writing to express my personal enlightenment. Although she is no longer physically present, she lives in me. She lives in the words I record and my spirit for personal progress and daily learning. Rose G. Arkin, rest in peace <3 You inspire to accomplish great things and to find the beauty in myself and in my world. You give me the courage to uncover who I really am and reassure me that I can overcome any challenge presented to me. You were and still are one incredible woman. I feel fortunate to share the same genetics with you.
A sample of her work
The Search
So quick to disbelieve
So eager to retrieve
That faith without which all seems
naught,
Yet we must suffer through
And lead our thoughts anew,
To find the way which we have sought.
O groping soul, be brave,
For e'en the wish to save
Yourself is half the fight to win.
And if we seek that peace,
Which brings us true release,
Remember, it must start within.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Parents.
The phase of a child: 3 yrs old: "Mommy, I love you". 10 yrs old: "Mom whatever!" 16 yrs old:"My mom is so annoying"! 18 yrs old: "I wanna leave this house". 25 yrs old:"Mom, you were right". 30 yrs old: "I wanna go back to my Mom's house". 50 yrs old: "I dont wanna lose my Mom". 70 yrs old: "I would ...give up EVERYTHING for my Mom to be here with
Saw this on facebook this morning. Normally these 'likes' are just a reflection of pop culture and are completely trivial. For once, I actually 'liked' on these. It reminded me that I should really appreciate my parents more. You would think child/parent relationships would just be full of love, but its actually love/hate. Humans are a wonderfully odd specie. The more we love something the closer we are to destroying it. Humans are creature of contradiction and extremes without even realizing it. Our dualistic nature (need for distinction and separation) is what drives us into torment. Our duality is what sends us on these never-ending roller coaster that shoots us into a euphoric high and drives us down into a dirt low slump. Ironically we feel that distinction will provide us with organization, when it really just brings us more chaos.
My English teacher is a mirror for me. Whenever I talk to him he always shows me what I have been avoiding. He uncovered the parental issue I've been pushing aside for years. Most of conversations skewed off into how much parents were annoying me. We finally had to discuss the issue because it kept intruding into our conversations. I finally realized why my parents annoy me. My annoyance roots from the friction between us, and any other parent and child: The fight between child's yearning to leave the nest and the parent's desire of keeping the child safe in the nest for as long as they can. As a parent himself, my teacher reminded me that it is difficult for parents to release their child in the world, on their own, without fear invading. While most people parent's seem more comfortable letting go of their kid, my parents are having a difficult time. Even when I'm home, the restrict me. My parents have a immense amount of love for me. The more love someone has, the more they want to protect them. I also think that the relationship includes the tricky issue between freedom and security. Parents want to make sure their child receives all the protection they can get, but often times forget that the child needs freedom to experience the world for him or herself. Letting go is the universal solution for all human problems.
My two favorite words: acceptance and gratitude are back again. I have accepted my problem, and now I am grateful for it. If I wasn't annoyed with my parents I would become too comfortable at home and would not want to return to school for another semester. I would have no drive to create a life of my own. This annoyance I'm experiencing is just a part of life. It gives me a sense of peace in a way to know that I am just going though a right of passage and a phase of life and it will be so different in a few years. By the time I'm in my forties, I will be feeling sad that to see my folks growing old and I will be devastated when they pass away, no matter how many hardships I lived through with them, I have come to accept them and love them with all of my heart and being. With my desire for independence and my parent's constant love I will have the energy and support to make my life something beautiful and unique.
Saw this on facebook this morning. Normally these 'likes' are just a reflection of pop culture and are completely trivial. For once, I actually 'liked' on these. It reminded me that I should really appreciate my parents more. You would think child/parent relationships would just be full of love, but its actually love/hate. Humans are a wonderfully odd specie. The more we love something the closer we are to destroying it. Humans are creature of contradiction and extremes without even realizing it. Our dualistic nature (need for distinction and separation) is what drives us into torment. Our duality is what sends us on these never-ending roller coaster that shoots us into a euphoric high and drives us down into a dirt low slump. Ironically we feel that distinction will provide us with organization, when it really just brings us more chaos.
My English teacher is a mirror for me. Whenever I talk to him he always shows me what I have been avoiding. He uncovered the parental issue I've been pushing aside for years. Most of conversations skewed off into how much parents were annoying me. We finally had to discuss the issue because it kept intruding into our conversations. I finally realized why my parents annoy me. My annoyance roots from the friction between us, and any other parent and child: The fight between child's yearning to leave the nest and the parent's desire of keeping the child safe in the nest for as long as they can. As a parent himself, my teacher reminded me that it is difficult for parents to release their child in the world, on their own, without fear invading. While most people parent's seem more comfortable letting go of their kid, my parents are having a difficult time. Even when I'm home, the restrict me. My parents have a immense amount of love for me. The more love someone has, the more they want to protect them. I also think that the relationship includes the tricky issue between freedom and security. Parents want to make sure their child receives all the protection they can get, but often times forget that the child needs freedom to experience the world for him or herself. Letting go is the universal solution for all human problems.
My two favorite words: acceptance and gratitude are back again. I have accepted my problem, and now I am grateful for it. If I wasn't annoyed with my parents I would become too comfortable at home and would not want to return to school for another semester. I would have no drive to create a life of my own. This annoyance I'm experiencing is just a part of life. It gives me a sense of peace in a way to know that I am just going though a right of passage and a phase of life and it will be so different in a few years. By the time I'm in my forties, I will be feeling sad that to see my folks growing old and I will be devastated when they pass away, no matter how many hardships I lived through with them, I have come to accept them and love them with all of my heart and being. With my desire for independence and my parent's constant love I will have the energy and support to make my life something beautiful and unique.
Monday, January 3, 2011
let it go, let it be
"whisper words of wisdom, let it be" The Beatles were much more than a boy band pop sensation. They were legendary musical wizards. Their songs are not only easy and enjoyable to listen to, but they also hold a lot of truth. I listen to this song whenever I have a lot on my mind, and especially during relationship problems, romantic and non-romantic. Actually, we all need to let our lives be what they are. We often complicate our own lives by trying to control or shape them to fit our desires.
Today, I had a very awakening and eye-opening afternoon that sent me into deep thought during the evening. I met up with my high school English teacher, who I greatly admire and respect for lunch and a lovely chat in the nature park. He bluntly told me that I and many other people try to fix and change people to they we see fit. I have a friend who invests too much of her time in drugs and alcohol and is suffering addiction. I feel that it my responsibility to help her ween off of the various harmful substances she is consuming, and be there for her during her low points by doing small favors to make her life a little easier. But my teacher warned me that addicts cannot be trusted, no matter how kind of a person they are. If addicts need the money for drugs they will do whatever it takes, even if it means hurting people they know. My teacher told me I am something called the co-dependent. A figure that addicts use as tools to receive sympathy and pity and favors from. The only reason I help her so often is because I feel that if I don't help her overcome her addiction I would feel like I am a indifferent witness of a murder. I feel terribly about her situation and want to do everything in power to save her. The alarming truth I learned this afternoon is that the only person that can save her is herself. The more I try to preach a substance-free life the more drugs she will take. It is necessary for me to stop doing multiple favors for her because she needs to know how to take care for herself and realize that people won't always be there for her all the time. It is very important for her to realize that she either needs to change or she'll die. Change or die. Is what my teacher said her only options are. I almost teared up when he told me this dark truth. Knowing there is nothing that I can do to get her to change her ways immediately is what is bothering me the most. I hate seeing people in pain and misery, and I know that drugs are never the answer. I really want to make her see what I see, and live the way I do, but I know I can't. With all my close friends, there are some days where I could take a magic wand and be able to fix their problems, or make them into better people, by improving their lifestyles. But I can't. Today I learned I need to let people be and let go of my control to change and make everything better. By trying to make things better, I will end up making them worse. Sometimes the best thing I can do for people is absolutely nothing. The hardest things to do are the most necessary. Surrendering control of other people's lives is hard for me to do because my compassion for others is as deep as the bottom of the ocean, but the best service I will do for any of my loved ones is to let them fall sometimes, for they will learn how to not fall again and pick themselves up. By doing nothing, I am doing everything. Just like when babies learn how to walk, parents can't hold their hand every step of the way. The baby needs to learn how to fall and to learn how to pick themselves up again.
From this moment on, I strive to be more aware of my protective grasp over my loved ones. Awareness is the first step to enlightenment. As I finish this entry I am inhaling and gathering my control and slowly releasing it with my exhale. Let it go. Let it be.
Today, I had a very awakening and eye-opening afternoon that sent me into deep thought during the evening. I met up with my high school English teacher, who I greatly admire and respect for lunch and a lovely chat in the nature park. He bluntly told me that I and many other people try to fix and change people to they we see fit. I have a friend who invests too much of her time in drugs and alcohol and is suffering addiction. I feel that it my responsibility to help her ween off of the various harmful substances she is consuming, and be there for her during her low points by doing small favors to make her life a little easier. But my teacher warned me that addicts cannot be trusted, no matter how kind of a person they are. If addicts need the money for drugs they will do whatever it takes, even if it means hurting people they know. My teacher told me I am something called the co-dependent. A figure that addicts use as tools to receive sympathy and pity and favors from. The only reason I help her so often is because I feel that if I don't help her overcome her addiction I would feel like I am a indifferent witness of a murder. I feel terribly about her situation and want to do everything in power to save her. The alarming truth I learned this afternoon is that the only person that can save her is herself. The more I try to preach a substance-free life the more drugs she will take. It is necessary for me to stop doing multiple favors for her because she needs to know how to take care for herself and realize that people won't always be there for her all the time. It is very important for her to realize that she either needs to change or she'll die. Change or die. Is what my teacher said her only options are. I almost teared up when he told me this dark truth. Knowing there is nothing that I can do to get her to change her ways immediately is what is bothering me the most. I hate seeing people in pain and misery, and I know that drugs are never the answer. I really want to make her see what I see, and live the way I do, but I know I can't. With all my close friends, there are some days where I could take a magic wand and be able to fix their problems, or make them into better people, by improving their lifestyles. But I can't. Today I learned I need to let people be and let go of my control to change and make everything better. By trying to make things better, I will end up making them worse. Sometimes the best thing I can do for people is absolutely nothing. The hardest things to do are the most necessary. Surrendering control of other people's lives is hard for me to do because my compassion for others is as deep as the bottom of the ocean, but the best service I will do for any of my loved ones is to let them fall sometimes, for they will learn how to not fall again and pick themselves up. By doing nothing, I am doing everything. Just like when babies learn how to walk, parents can't hold their hand every step of the way. The baby needs to learn how to fall and to learn how to pick themselves up again.
From this moment on, I strive to be more aware of my protective grasp over my loved ones. Awareness is the first step to enlightenment. As I finish this entry I am inhaling and gathering my control and slowly releasing it with my exhale. Let it go. Let it be.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
The beginning of a play?
So I posted a scene and a monologue I wrote for my theatre class and I kinda like where it is going. A part of my new years resolution is to write as much as I can, whether is daily journaling or even writing an entire play. So I decided to continue the build on the character I introduced a few posts ago. So here it goes... (F.Y.I the writing below is all from the top of my head...just pure spontaneous writing...)
to follow this scene, refer to the posts: Creative Works in Progress and Creative Works in Progress Continued. Suggestions are welcome!
The Dugout Act 1 Scene 1
Coach: You're going to stay in this dugout forever unless you don't protect your head. I'm not sending you out there unless your keep a better eye on the ball and you put your darn helmet on! You're lucky you just got a little bump on your head last inning, you could of came back to the dugout as a looney. So from now on you watch that head of yours, ya hear?!
Boy: Yes coach. How soon until I can play?
Coach: Not till the next game.
Boy:Aww, man, please!!
Coach: No I think we will just keep ya here...
Boy: For how much longer?
Crowd cheers as Boy's teammate hits a homerun and wins the game.
coach runs out of dugout to congratulate the kids. Boy sits in dugout, puzzled. Boy collects his gear and heads out of dugout to meet his parents. Parents notice the boy's disappointment.
Mother: Sorry, honey, about not getting to play. (hugs him, pause) Are you crazy or something?! Where was your helmet?! Do you know how much that stupid piece of plastic cost me?! (pause) There will be other baseball games, how about you phone up some of the other boys, maybe you all can play this weekend...just for fun.
Father: Yeah phone up the others, because you won't be playing for while...
Boy: What?! What do you mean?!
Father: You didn't tell him?
Mother: No, I thought you told him.
Father: Well, I obviously didn't. (notices the concern on his son's face) Great. He's going to cry.
Boy: Daddy, what are you talking about?
Mother: We're moving in a week son.
Boy: What?! No!! Thats when the last game of the season is!
Father: Too bad, we're leaving whether you like it or not.
Boy: You guys lied to me. There won't be another game! I hate you!
Father: Woah, watch your words buddy. We're just trying to help you. I mean you don't have the best hand-eye coordination out there, we are just trying to protect you. You've been hit so many times in the head and we wouldn't want you to become a looney.
Boy: I'm not a looney! (screams) Now I'm never going to be a professional baseball player, like Babe Ruth! I hate you both! (storms offstage)
Father: Whatever, we hate you too, you idiot!
Mother: Hey don't talk to him like that!
Father: What? He's not the brightest star in the galaxy and he should know. You wouldn't want the boy to live his life thinkin' he's the next best professional athlete when he's really just the next village idiot.
Mother: But do you really have to say in to his face?
Father: Yes, or else I'd be lying to the poor fellow.
Mother: Ugh, this family...is just so...
Father: Fucked up?
Mother: Excuse you!
Father: Well Its the truth.
Mother: You're fucked up!
Father: Right back at cha sweetheart! (opens a bottle of beer)
Mother: I can't stand you! I can't stand the boy! I can't stand this house, this town! ahHHH!
Father: Well, thats life for you...
Mother: Life is a piece of shit. (smokes a cigarette outside)
Father: Sometimes I wish I could be knocked on the head like that dumb boy.
Mother: (after finishing one cigarette, realizes there aren't anymore) Dammit!! Where are the cigs?! Have you been taking my cigs!?
Father: No, you dumb whore.
Mother: Shut the fuck up, you piece of shit.
(father storms off)
Boy: Mom, whats for dinner? I'm hungry.
Mother: I don't know! I don't care! Go make yourself your own damn dinner you piece of shit!
Boy (tears up and scurries off to side)
Mother: I hate this house! I hate him! I hate them! Fuck dinners! throws plates at the walls, fuck laundry! Fuck!!!!
Blackout on Mother. Spotlight on boy.
Boy: I hate my life. Maybe the dugout isn't such a bad place afterall. I mean its cozy and its the closest thing I'll ever get to the field.
Blackout.
to follow this scene, refer to the posts: Creative Works in Progress and Creative Works in Progress Continued. Suggestions are welcome!
The Dugout Act 1 Scene 1
Coach: You're going to stay in this dugout forever unless you don't protect your head. I'm not sending you out there unless your keep a better eye on the ball and you put your darn helmet on! You're lucky you just got a little bump on your head last inning, you could of came back to the dugout as a looney. So from now on you watch that head of yours, ya hear?!
Boy: Yes coach. How soon until I can play?
Coach: Not till the next game.
Boy:Aww, man, please!!
Coach: No I think we will just keep ya here...
Boy: For how much longer?
Crowd cheers as Boy's teammate hits a homerun and wins the game.
coach runs out of dugout to congratulate the kids. Boy sits in dugout, puzzled. Boy collects his gear and heads out of dugout to meet his parents. Parents notice the boy's disappointment.
Mother: Sorry, honey, about not getting to play. (hugs him, pause) Are you crazy or something?! Where was your helmet?! Do you know how much that stupid piece of plastic cost me?! (pause) There will be other baseball games, how about you phone up some of the other boys, maybe you all can play this weekend...just for fun.
Father: Yeah phone up the others, because you won't be playing for while...
Boy: What?! What do you mean?!
Father: You didn't tell him?
Mother: No, I thought you told him.
Father: Well, I obviously didn't. (notices the concern on his son's face) Great. He's going to cry.
Boy: Daddy, what are you talking about?
Mother: We're moving in a week son.
Boy: What?! No!! Thats when the last game of the season is!
Father: Too bad, we're leaving whether you like it or not.
Boy: You guys lied to me. There won't be another game! I hate you!
Father: Woah, watch your words buddy. We're just trying to help you. I mean you don't have the best hand-eye coordination out there, we are just trying to protect you. You've been hit so many times in the head and we wouldn't want you to become a looney.
Boy: I'm not a looney! (screams) Now I'm never going to be a professional baseball player, like Babe Ruth! I hate you both! (storms offstage)
Father: Whatever, we hate you too, you idiot!
Mother: Hey don't talk to him like that!
Father: What? He's not the brightest star in the galaxy and he should know. You wouldn't want the boy to live his life thinkin' he's the next best professional athlete when he's really just the next village idiot.
Mother: But do you really have to say in to his face?
Father: Yes, or else I'd be lying to the poor fellow.
Mother: Ugh, this family...is just so...
Father: Fucked up?
Mother: Excuse you!
Father: Well Its the truth.
Mother: You're fucked up!
Father: Right back at cha sweetheart! (opens a bottle of beer)
Mother: I can't stand you! I can't stand the boy! I can't stand this house, this town! ahHHH!
Father: Well, thats life for you...
Mother: Life is a piece of shit. (smokes a cigarette outside)
Father: Sometimes I wish I could be knocked on the head like that dumb boy.
Mother: (after finishing one cigarette, realizes there aren't anymore) Dammit!! Where are the cigs?! Have you been taking my cigs!?
Father: No, you dumb whore.
Mother: Shut the fuck up, you piece of shit.
(father storms off)
Boy: Mom, whats for dinner? I'm hungry.
Mother: I don't know! I don't care! Go make yourself your own damn dinner you piece of shit!
Boy (tears up and scurries off to side)
Mother: I hate this house! I hate him! I hate them! Fuck dinners! throws plates at the walls, fuck laundry! Fuck!!!!
Blackout on Mother. Spotlight on boy.
Boy: I hate my life. Maybe the dugout isn't such a bad place afterall. I mean its cozy and its the closest thing I'll ever get to the field.
Blackout.
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